Probably the last thing I need right now...

 

To say the nights are almost unbearable is a understatement. What used to a welcome chance to rest up and recharge for the next day has been replaced by waking up at 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning staring at the ceiling feeling the emptiness that's become her side of the bed until I can't take it anymore and finally get out of bed to await the sunrise.

There was once a time when I loved sunrises. In my mind a sunrise was a new beginning so to speak. Another chance to finish up unfinished business. A chance to right whatever wrongs you might have done the day before.

But then one of those beautiful sunrises that I had always enjoyed came along and my world fell apart.

You see, just after sunrise almost 6 months ago we discovered my beloved wife of 46 years had suddenly just died in her sleep.

Nothing in my 66 years of life could have prepared me for the initial shock of desperately begging her to, please wake up.

She was gone and no amount of begging could change it.

There was no warning of any kind. 

No chance to say goodbye.

She was just gone.

For all practical purposes most of me died right along with her that day.

I suppose at some point I'm going to have to accept what happened.

But today's not that day...

Kevin McGinty

That's pretty cool...

 

Truth is, I'll probably never get this far...

 

In Their Footsteps

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You think you're prepared.

You go in with boxes and garbage bags. You tell yourself you’ll be strong.

You think, “It’s just stuff.”

But then you open a drawer.

And their handwriting is still on a notepad.

Their scent still clings to the sleeves of that sweater you begged them to throw out every winter.

Their shoes are still lined up by the door like they might be back any minute.

You find yourself sitting on the floor, holding a shirt to your face, trying to memorize a smell you know is already fading.

You whisper “I’m sorry” to objects you tuck away in boxes.

You fold things neatly like you’re still trying to take care of them.

You pause before tossing something out, because what if that was their favorite?

No one tells you how loud the silence is when their closet door creaks open.

No one tells you how heavy an empty coat can feel in your hands.

No one tells you that cleaning out a space can shatter you all over again.

It’s not just cleaning.

It’s letting go of little pieces you were never ready to lose.

It’s closing a drawer for the last time and feeling like you’re betraying them.

It’s packing up the life you shared, while your heart silently begs, please don’t make me.

Because deep down, you’re not just packing away their things —

you’re packing away pieces of yourself too.

And you’re terrified of what’s left when all of it is gone.

I wasn't prepared for any of this...

 

Short answer? 

No.

The one thing that's kept me from completely losing my mind since Linda died is the hope and firmly held belief that one day we'd be reunited and spend eternity together in Heaven.

What I've learned since is that there'll be no marriages in Heaven. 

I know, the very small circle of friends I talk to and everything I read say pretty much the same thing,

It'll be something better, they say.

Maybe it's just time for me to accept the fact that it really is over.

Maybe, I don't know.

I don't know how to do that.

And I don't know how much longer I can go on like this...

I'm at a complete and total loss for words...

 

I never thought I'd see this day yet here we are.

I miss you so much, Baby...

I hate that this stone even exists...

 

I've been doing a lot of reading since my wife died and one of saddest things I've learned is that once  I finally pass from this world and join her in Heaven she'll no longer be my wife.

So, it really is over.

I've always heard that God won't give us more than we can handle.

I'm not so sure about that...

Kevin McGinty

One badass lady...

 

4 months ago today my life completely fell apart...

I don't know why but I never left room for the possibility of spending the rest of my life alone.

Yet here I am...

Kevin McGinty

Just sitting here...

 

What a horrible and lonely place...

Because the cemetery cleans and throws away any and all gravesite mementoes left starting tomorrow  I had to clean it all up. 

The end result?

Possibly the loneliest place I've ever seen.

I miss you so much, Darling...

What a fun and wonderful day that was...

 

I'm still here but I literally have no idea why....

 

Pretty much sums it up.

The problem is that there's not a damned thing I can do about any of it...

Kevin McGinty

So many stories to tell but no idea how much time to I have to tell em. Better get started then,,,

 I was talking to Karen the other day about dusting off this old blog and maybe add her and possibly Donna, Bill, and Joe as authors. But then I thought how quickly the whole thing could devolve into political and social chaos.

We'll see.

I've already added Karen as an author and once we get that all figured out and settled we'll probably see how it goes from there. 

I have so many stories to tell, one in particular was the 10 day trip the three of us took in October of last year. I remember at the time we billed it as "a trip of a lifetime" not knowing it literally was. 

I do look forward to rehashing that trip but there's also the back story that led up to it in the first place.

Well, I guess it wasn't really all that big a back story. The more my wife talked about it the more I was convinced the whole thing was just some hairbrained idea two crazy, out of control sisters had come up with and that it'd all just blow over. All I had to do was to keep a low profile and I'd be fine.

Yeah, that didn't work.

Another story that's never really been told is why I sometimes jokingly and almost always affectionately refer to my wife and her sister (my two traveling companions) as my "Little Helpers" and just maybe if I can figure out how to post a video I'll just show you.

One of the things I learned on that 10 day cross country adventure was that I was blessed to have two of the best little helpers any guy could ever hope to have. 

It's been just shy of 4 months since my wife died without warning in the middle of the night.

And just in case you're wondering if I'm okay.

No. No I'm not.

But I'm doing the best I can...

Kevin McGinty

It's been so long since I've posted anything over here... Testing testing testing...

I'll eventually get the hang of it again...

 

Thanks for the ride, Darling, 

October 31, 1975. Even though that was 50 years ago I remember it like it was just yesterday.

50 years ago tonight this smokin hot, 15 year old blonde named Linda Ledbetter I'd recently met agreed to go out with me. Man I was a nervous wreck. I took her to the Pizza Hut in North Topeka. I went ahead and ordered us both drinks and my all time favorite mushroom pizza only to find out later she really, really hated mushrooms.

We finished our exquisite dining experience and headed off right down the street. I took her to the Cloverleaf Drive-In to see The Longest Yard with Burt Reynolds.

It's funny, she didn't like my taste in pizza and I suspect she questioned my intentions by taking her to a drive-in theater in the first place but for whatever reason, from that first date on we never looked back and were together ever since..

Somehow or another after we stumbled through that first date we managed to turn it into a lifetime together. A lifetime filled with struggles, celebrations, happiness, sadness, chaos, and calm.

We raised three kids, paid bills, we loved each other, we fought like cats and dogs, but at the end of every day we always had each other.

Till we didn't.

I have no idea what life has in store for me from here on out.

What I do know though is that even though you're no longer here I still love you with all my heart and I'll miss you till the day that I die...