Polar Bears

Before I get started today, I’d probably better get this out of the way. Everything written in this column is based on my thoughts and the way I view things and have nothing to with the views of the Metro News or anyone associated with them in any way. Remember that, especially next week.
Ah, never mind. I was going to tell you a story today about a couple of people we all know. But you know what? It’d probably just make most of you mad anyway. I’ll just save it for now.
I do have a couple of things to get off my chest though. I’d like to throw out a thank you to a few of our nationwide retailers in town for their part in making me realize I need to do as much of my shopping as possible at locally owned business‘.
Here’s the deal. I realize you have to protect yourself against shoplifters. I understand that. That’s why I’ve reluctantly accepted the fact that you’re going to record my every move from the time I step foot on your property. You record me as I park my vehicle in your parking lot. You record me as I enter your store. You record every move I make once I start my shopping. You record me as I browse your electronics department, the automotive department, and the lawn and garden part of your store. You’re watching me as I buy my peanut butter and jelly, milk, and even as I’m checking out your deli. You record me as I pay you for my purchases. I don’t like it but I realize shoplifting is a problem. I get it.
Here’s what I’m really sick of though. I’m sick and tired of your “Door Nazi’s” calling me a thief on my way out the door. You know what I’m talking about too. You’re going to say you have the right to conduct spot checks in an effort to keep everybody honest.
Let me ask you this. Did you record me trying to steal something from you? Did one of your employees or another customer alert you that I had been seen trying to steal something? I’ll go ahead and answer that one. No! You’ve recorded my every move since setting foot on your property. You have no reason what-so-ever to suspect me of doing anything other than spending a couple hundred dollars in your store. Instead of thanking me for my business, you expect me to prove to you that I’m not a thief before you allow me to leave.
I know nothing I say will have any impact on these corporate giants. But just for the record. I’m not a thief. Another thing I’m not, is one of your customers. Count on it.
But hey, there is some good news. Looks like global warming has been solved. I’ve read several stories over the last few days that say the earth has been in a steady cooling pattern for the last seven years now. I’ve seen reports that show the Artic Ice Caps expanding. There have been record snowfalls, and record cold spells recorded all over the world.
Welcome to our newest social and political doomsday issue. “Global-Cooling.” It’s being brought to you by the same people who scared you to death with the popular, never ending series called “Global-Warming.”
The warming crowd will deny this at first because it might make a few of them look, well, foolish. But once they realize they can get just much traction with global cooling, they’ll see the light. They’ll convince you they were right all along because as everybody knows, “Global-Warming” causes “Global-Cooling.”
Before we start celebrating, I should explain it’s not all good news though. We’re all going to die. But the polar bears are going to be okay.
Kevin McGinty can be reached at: kevinmcginty@sbcglobal.net